Belly of the Beast

"And my scars remind me that the past is real" - Papa Roach, Scars

To put it quite simply, 2007 was hell. That was the year I lost all control.


Well, here's what happened first. Not to gross out the men who are reading this, but I have to say this or everyone will be lost. On April 16, 2007, I had gotten my period, just like I was supposed to. But something was wrong. I was throwing up (and I usually don't throw up) and I was running a fever. Also, I had the worst pains in my stomach. Horrible, horrible pains. The type of pain that makes you want to crawl into your bed and never, ever, come out. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to lie in bed comfortably either. Every toss and turn just hurt more. Finally, my mother said "Let's go see the doctor"

The doctor told me to lie on my back, and she pressed down on my stomach. "Does this hurt?" she asked. Yes. Oh, yes. She thought about it for a minute. "Well, you could have pulled a muscle or something. Have you started excursing?" I had started my gym class, so yes. She decided to be safe and take a blood test. When she came back she said, "Your white blood cells are a little high. Kind of like they are trying to stop an infection. It might not be anything, but you should go to the hospital"

And my parents, both who are very protective, decided to follow her advice and take me to LIJ You want hell? Sit in an emergency room for five hours in pain. Or, and then try to get comfortable on gurneys and doctors look at you and basically say, "We have no idea what's wrong here"

At about 10:00 pm that Wednesday night, I was admitted into the hospital. At 6:00 am the next morning, two young doctors came in. "We have good news and bad news. Good news is, we found what the problem is. Bad news is it's an ovarian cyst and it needs to be taken out now"

My mom asked the big question first. "Is it cancer?"

"No," the doctor replied. Later, when I got home, I found out that 98% of ovarian cysts are noncancer, which was a relief.

So at 8:00 am, April, 19, 2007, I was prepared for surgery. It's mindblowing, actually, lying there, knowing two young doctors are going to look inside of you. It was weird also. I kept thinking of all the times I have seen people have surgery on television, and here I am, living it.

I don't remember much before the surgery. I remember my parents trying to make jokes, but I really wasn't in the mood to laugh. I remember a nurse telling me what was going to happen after. I remember another nurse coming in and saying, "I'm going to be your best friend. I'm giving you the drugs"

I remember laughing at that.

I remember being rolled down the long hallway, and entering a cold room. I also thought "Hmm, this looks like the surgery room in Scrubs"

It's amazing what comes to you at important moments.

I remember the doctor making some joke, and then, lights out. Next thing I knew, I saw my mother and father standing there saying, "Megan? Megan, are you alright?"

And I remember groaning and going back to sleep.

I remember waking up and not seeing my mother or my father. I remember a nurse came by and said that since I was awake, they were going to take me back to my room. I remember having to move from the gurney back to the bed, and being in pain. But a different pain. More like soreness than throbbing pain. I remember the nurse who treated me was named Susan, my aunt's name. The same aunt who died almost eight years ago.

I was released that Saturday, and I was so happy to be home that I actually cried. My grandma was still alive at that point, and I remember seeing her and her just crying and holding me.

You know, when you're in school, all you want to do is go home. But when you're stuck at home, all you want to do is go to school. It's crazy, I know, but about a week after my surgery, I was like "So, when I am going back?" to which my parents were both like "We'll see"

It was a little over two weeks before I went back. Believe me, I was so happy to be back.

I thought everything was going back to normal.

Until August 2007.

My grandmother had been complaining of intergestion for a while. We all thought it was for different reasons. When we were in Disney World, she was sitting a lot. She wasn't walking around like she did at home (my grandma lived with us. She lived on the first floor, while my family took the second and third), she was stressing herself out over this trip. It's nothing. Once we get home, things will get better.

We were home less than a week when my grandma asked if my parents could take her to the doctor. Once again, the doc saw something he didn't like and said "You should go to the hospital"
On August 6, she was admitted. I went to visit her with my parents, and she was talkative, but she just wanted to go home.

On August 13, my mother told me what she had known since that past Friday. "She's sick," she told me. "She has cancer"

The doctor's didn't know where it started. It was all over her lower intestines. "It was a miracle she was able to walk into the hospital" the doctor's said.

After that it just got worse. She became less talkative. She was getting paler and weaker. Finally she asked my mother not to bring me anymore. "I don't want Megan to remember me like this" she said. "Leave her home"

I saw her one last time on August 17. Her hair wasn't curly or blonde, like it always was. Instead it was white and sliked back. My cousins - who were expecting their first child - my mother, and I were sitting there. Right before I left, I kissed her on the cheek and said, "I love you Momma. And I miss you"

She held my hand and said, "I love you too. And I miss you"

She died September 7, a little before six in the morning. That was my first day of senior year.

2007 was an awful year for my family. I kept feeling like I was loosing control of everything. Everything was changing, and I couldn't stop it. Last year was a nightmare that I never want to relive again.

Perfectly Unperfect

"This is not some contest--just do your best, 'cause nobody's perfect!" - Shania Twain, What a Way to Wanna Be

What is the big deal at being perfect?

What does perfect mean anyway? That you're a size 2? That you have Jimmy Choos shoes? That your bag is a real Prada? That you're smart and popular with an awesome boyfriend?

Excuse me, but just because I'm an definitly not a size two, I have never even heard of Jimmy Choos until a couple of weeks ago, I would die if I had to pay $300 for a purse, and I never had a boyfriend, does that mean I am not perfect? Does being over a size 10 mean I have to get looked at? Does that mean I have to rediculed everywhere I go?

NO! No one is perfect! So why do maganizes have it that if your not a size two then you are just crazy? Being a size two is hard for some people, for a lot of different reasons. But that's not my point.

My point is this, why should I pretend to be prefect, because, in the end, someone isn't going to like the way I dress, or how I cut my hair. Why do we mold ourselves into someone else? Who the hell are we trying to impress?

So, I'm just going to say it. I am not perfect! I am far from it! I'm a dork, and I am proud. I love to read. I have almost every Billy Joel song on my MP3. My favorite actor is a 48-year-old man no one has ever heard of. One time, I stayed up till two in the morning to watch him in a television show. I love Wicked so much that I'm basically buying anything that has to with Wicked or the Wicked Witch. I have watched the movie Rent every night this week. I have exactly one best friend. I would rather spend time with my family than party. Actually, I hate partying. The music is always too loud and it's usually way too crowded. I have never been kissed. I never had a boyfriend. I am a hopeless romantic. I went to a Catholic elementary school, an all girls Catholic high school, and a Catholic college, and I'm Lutheren. I don't really pay attention to how my hair looks; sometimes I forget to brush it in the morning. I don't know if I'm positive I want to be a teacher. I may want to be something else. I love writing fanfiction. Though I'm a Mets fan, I find baseball to be boring. My favorite show is The West Wing and it's been off the air for two years. Plus, it's a show about politics, and I hate politics. I want to try new things, but I'm too afraid to leave my comfort zone. I want to be crazy and daring. I want to do things now, and worry about the consequences later.

I want to live.

My Own Inside the Actor's Studio

"I got a lot to say to you; yeah, I got a lot to say" - Paramore, Crushcrushcrush

I have seen Inside the Actor's Studio for a few people. Mainly Billy Joel, Robin Williams, and the whole Simpson tribe. And James Lipton always asks those same questions near the end and I have always thought about what I would say. Well, our assignment is to answer those questions. So here we go.

1. What is your favorite word?
I would have to say love. To me, this word means so much. There are two types of love: 1) the type of family love and 2) the type you feel for someone that scares the living daylights out of you. Love is also a very powerful thing. It's not something to be taken lightly.

2. What is your least favorite word?
I don't know. Probably hate. It's a powerful word, and it can hurt so many people.

3. What turns you on, excites, or inspires you creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?
Seeing beautiful things. Like the sunset, or seeing a baby. Things like that.

4. What turns you off?
People acting stupid on purpose.

5. What sound or noise do you love?
Laughter. Especially children's.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Crying.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
God damn, son of a bitch.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Hmmm. I think everyone pretty much knows that I would like to become an actress. I don't know why, though. Something about it excites me. Maybe 'cause you get to play someone your not. You can do crazy things, and no one would say anything, 'cause it's just a movie or television show.

9. What profession would you absolutely not like to particiate in?
Garbage collecting. Oh, that just sounds and looks horrible.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"You're grandma is waiting for you over there"

The Freaky Side of Me

"To going against the grain, going insane, going mad" - Anthony Rapp, Rent

I have been raised with a Catholic school education all my life (and I'm Lutheran. Go figure) so I was never raised to express my "freaky" side. I was always told there is one way to do something, and it's this way. I have been able to express myself through art, but I was always told there are restrictions. You can't go too far. Someone will always say something, and not in a good way.

But a couple of years ago, I took a leap. I started writing fanfiction for the show The West Wing. I even posted it on the interent. I was fourteen when I started, and people wrote to me and told me how my writing was beautiful and that I got the character's voices down pat. To say I was thrilled is a understatment. I'm still writing, since I always get very proud of my work. I might even have another blog just for my stories. Hmmm. Something to think about.

Now, what makes me freaky? That's hard to answer, since I don't usually like to say how I'm different. I'm so used to trying to blend in, I forgot how to stand out. I'm so scared that people will laugh and make fun (it's happened before). I don't want to go through that. I can't stand when people laugh at me, not with me. But in this course, I have to ignore them. I also have to ignore that little voice in my head that says "People won't like this. Who are you trying to fool?"

So what makes me a freak? Well, there is the fact that I can read a book in less than a day (my friends were always amazed by that). Some people would say I'm a freak since I always do my work (it's true. In high school, people thought I was a genius. I just did my work and paid attention. Not the hardest thing in the world to do).

Also I love to reenact scenes from movies and television shows. Ever since I was a little girl, I would watch a movie over and over again, and then play out the scene in my living room. I would remember what the characters said and then say them the same exact way. I still do that today. I don't, necessarily, play it out in my living room (I prefer my bedroom. Much more private) but I can resite scenes from television shows. Scenes from The West Wing? Yep. I also can tell you what episode they said a certain line and sometimes what act what it was in.

Like, for instance, one of my favorite quotes is when my favorite character, Josh, said to a Senator, "Senator, why don't you take the legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?" I can tell you, without looking it up, that that line was in Season 1, episode Mandatory Minimums, teaser.

I'm pretty sure that I have a photographic memory. Not unusual, but I remember the weirdest things. Like, today, Mike was wearing a purple shirt with tan pants. The computer teacher was wearing a flowered skirt and sandles. I remember what I wore when I saw Wicked eight months ago. I can remember the shoe size of an actor that I no longer like (don't ask me how I know his shoe size). It also comes in handy, since I can also remember people's names and faces. By next week, I should have everyone's name down.

I don't know if what I consider weird really is weird. But many people have told me that knowing every scene from The West Wing is just not normal (but it's a really good show!). I think the reason I can recite movies and television shows is because I secretly want to become an actress. I love performing; I love that thrill of excitment you get right before you perform. I enjoy speaking in front of people. I love making people laugh. My secret wish is to perform on stage, somewhere.

Here's to hoping that dreams come true.

Who I Am

"It's all about me!" - Idina Menzel, Planet Z

Since I have to do this for Mike (hi Mike!), I'm going to write the basic things about myself.

My name is Megan and I'm from Queens, New York. I have lived in New York all my life, but I can count on my fingers how many times I have actually been into the city. Shame, really, since I want to see all the big highlights. I have, however, been to the Statue of Liberty and walked the Brooklyn Bridge, among a few other things. Can't wait to see what we will do in this program.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to become a teacher. I love working with children, so I decided I want to teach young. I work at my elementary school as an aide to the Pre-K teacher (who happens to be my mother) and at the after-school program at the same place.

I also want to write one book. Doesn't have to be a great success like Harry Potter or Twilight. I do, however, want to write one teenage love story. I started writing it, but I don't know if I will ever finish. I hope I do.

I have a small family, and I love it that way. Basically it's my parents, my older brother, Ryan, and my cousins Shannon and Shawn. Also Shawn's wife, Mandy, and their baby daughter Mackenzie (or as I call her, Mack). I am considerably closer to my mom's side of the family then my dad's. Basically for the reason that my dad's family lives in Indiana and my mom's relative's live in Pennsylvania. I never really have met my dad's side of the family.

I am a shy person, but when you get to know me, you see that I actually like to be the center of attention. My parents have always told me that I have wanted to be an actress, since I liked the idea of everyone watching me. When I was a child, I would sing and dance in front of anyone; my parents, family, classmates, whoever. But as I got older, I lost the innocense of caring who was watching me. So I somewhat stopped being outgoing. Once in a while, I will volunteer to do something, but not half as much as I did when I was a little girl.

That's all I can think of for now.

More later.

Little Tidbits About Me

"Take me for who I am" - Idina Menzel, Rent

I'm Megan. Why do we always start with the basic of information? Is it because the less we say the less people know? Or is it because we just don't want people to judge us? I have decided that right off the bat, I'm going to skip the basic stuff and go into more details.

My favorite show is The West Wing. I have loved that show for about six years now. One little tidbit about me would be that I write stories for this show. These stories are called fanfiction and basically I write stories about my favorite characters, Josh and Donna. I love writing fanfiction. As of right now, I have written about 10 different stories, based on these two characters. They are basically love stories, which are my favorite, since I am a romantic.

Also, I actually met the guy who played Josh on The West Wing (His name is Bradley Whitford). It was an amazing experience and I was so happy that he was such a nice guy.

My all time favorite movie is A Walk to Remember. I don't know anyone would can watch that movie and not cry. It's such a good movie.

I love the Broadway show Wicked. I have seen it twice already, and I wouldn't mind seeing it again. It's because of that musical that my favorite song is Defying Gravity since in the show, the "Wicked Witch" flies right on stage. I remember getting goosebumps when I saw her go up and up. I believe that I could watch that scene repeatedly and not get tired of it.

I have known my best friend since I was almost two. She and I have basically done everything together. I wouldn't know what I would do if I didn't know she was right by my side. Over the years, she has become more than my best friend; she's my sister. I love her to death.

I have decided that I'm going to write some lyrics from songs at the beginning of each blog. Well, I'll try to do it. Then I will somehow use that quote somehow in the blog. Like I used Idina Menzel's quote from the song Take Me or Leave Me from the musical Rent.

This should be interesting.